My music has a race...who knew?

Nobody Told Me...

Listening to anything other than rap or R&B automatically classifies you as not being black. Who Knew? I didn't. I have always been a person of variety and need diversity in my life. That includes my music selection. I have no problem and rather enjoy singing along to some Fetty Wap or Drake, but I just as much love me some Adele or Of Monsters of Men or the Lumineers, and apparently that takes away quite a big chunk of my black credibility (Oh just incase you missed that cute lil picture of me to the side I am black btw). But what I realized today and really everyday, is that standard has a way of making me feel ashamed of my "non black music". Or rather I feel like I have to prove myself more and well it always feels like I am breaking some rule in the code of black people. When I'm by myself it's whatever, but the struggle inside of me is always there when I'm running with my music out loud, driving, or with friends. For instance, why is it that when I drive with my windows down and the music up (which I love to do) I feel like my music selection reflects so much about me. When I am playing what people like to call my "white" music I have my finger ready on the button to roll up the windows if I have to stop at a red light or if I see another car's window down beside me. But if I'm playing what people like to call my "black" music then I have a little bit more level of comfort, like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, or rather following the rules. But there's still not that much comfort. This is where I find myself in another conundrum. When I'm listening to my "black" music I still feel ashamed and am ready to roll the windows up, because I feel like a stereotype. There is one thing you should know about me: I HATE STEREOTYPES. And sometimes I find myself going against stereotypes just for the hell of it to prove to people that people are people and you cannot just judge them solely on the color of their skin, their religion, their finances, or whatever else. You just can't! And I hate when people do it to me. So I find myself getting uncomfortable in the car when I'm listening to my "white" music because I am afraid of being judged for not being black enough and my "black" music because I don't want to be that typical black child riding down the highway with my rap music blasting. What is wrong with me! Sometimes I find myself so hell bent on being different or wanting to show people that their snap judgments are wrong that I pretend to be something I'm not, and get swallowed up so much that I lose myself. It's kind of exhausting. By the way who in the world decided to classify music by race, like what???

All of this really boils down to one thing: I care too much about what people think about me; I care too much about the rules. BUT here is the silver lining: My music does reflect who I am. It shows all my wonderful layers and intricate details that people don't know and I don't know why I try to keep it hidden. I'm different. I'm diverse. I'm not a stereotype and I'm not basic. I'm not into "white" or "black" music. I'm simply in the business of good music. That music that gives me that rush because its just that damn good.  Sue me but I like my songs to have some actual meaning to them every now and then instead of the usual mumbo jumbo we all get caught up into listening to all the time. Music that makes my heart soar and gives me that unexplainable feeling makes me beyond happy, because it really is poetry, it's art. It brings me to life just as much as writing does ( The best is writing and listening to music together...I know, crazy right?). My music does reflect me as a person, you can't say it doesn't and I like who I am. So I'm working on forgetting the rules and not caring if my friends think my music is weird. Because I'm gonna blast it til the sun don't shine (or at least I'm working on it).

Much Love,
Courtney