Nobody Told Me...
Trusting people would be so hard. Really, putting your faith or trust into anything besides yourself is rather difficult, at least for me it is. Today I realized that not a single person on this earth knows everything about me, and when I say everything I mean everything; all my quirks, my annoying habits, my thinking process, my fears, my dreams (from small to big), my family problems (we all got em), or my heart. All of it. I don't know if anybody can say that another person knows them completely and if you believe you do then bless your little heart and I hope it doesn't break. But let's be real if you opened up a person's mind and thoughts their would be a lot there they wouldn't want other people to know. I guess if I had to rank the people who know the most about me it would be 1) my sister and 2) my two best friends but still not even they know the extinct of everything and I know I don't know everything about them either. It's like an unwritten rule somewhere that you have to keep at least a few of the dark and scary details of your life to yourself. Your secrets are yours and it is a fact that they are safer in your hands because people are going to let you down. They will disappoint. So we all go throughout life always holding a little bit back, never fully letting go. Could you imagine a world where people not only could be trusted but were trustworthy? Yea, me neither. I don't know if this is just one of my weird things but sometimes when I'm talking to people who love me, who are suppose to love me no matter what I have to literally tell myself, "Courtney, that's your best friend (or sister)... it's okay to trust them" and it will help me to open up just that little bit more, but isn't it sad that I have to remind myself of that? That my first instinct is to keep the walls of my soul up and heavily guarded ready to release fire at any miss step. But I guess nobody told me how to trust, and that is trust fully. With a simple smile or wave of a hand I can get my way through anything, pretending with the best of them that I don't need help and I have my life all under control. But really it just gets lonely. I tell my friends everything, but not too much and nobody told me how to go over that line, to cross over it flawlessly and not feel a pain of regret and wish I could jump back over it quickly. I'm still figuring that out. But here is the irony, sometimes it's those people that we trust that we lie to the most, when they make a mistake or cross a line or do something we don't like it's even harder to speak up, because we don't want to risk a fight or losing them. So at times I just go silent, and what kind of friendship is that? We keep our little secrets for our eyes only because, well, we hate to be judged, to avoid getting hurt, or to keep the way people see us picture perfect. We want the life we've built to be seen, nothing else.
But here's the silver lining... Trusting people is hard and it most definitely can end in disappointment. But when you trust people you are happier. A load is lifted from you and a pressure released from your chest. It's hard but trust is important and in return people trust you. You feel loved and you don't feel like your fighting off the whole world. Just little by little trust someone with your soul, it's not for us to keep hidden away to ourselves. You won't be able to protect yourself from disappointment or heartache no matter how hard you try. The only thing you can do is be careful about the people you choose to trust and take that leap of faith. Trusting is hard, but the silver lining is it gets easier and it's worth it.
Much Love,
Courtney
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